Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm well, I’ve never read or bought a single issue of Esquire magazine and I’ll 100% be buying that issue the day it comes out. Hook, line, and sinker for Thush. I’m not sure what the point of this video is, but I think the point is Megan Fox is fucking ridiculous.
Oprah crushing free KFC, I love it. Sure, if Oprah walked into my living room at any given time on any given day I’d promptly ask her to leave, but I have to hand it to her on this one. This is exactly the kind of excuse I was looking for to try the new grilled chicken at KFC. I’ve always loved KFC, but I’ve obviously tried to stay away from it for the last ten years because it’s absolutely horrible for you. Ever since they introduced a little grilled variety into their menu, however, I’ve wanted to get back into the game. Thanks ‘prah. You’re still awful, but thanks.
PS…It looks like there’s a lot of traffic at this site as of right now, unsurprisingly. Also, I’ve managed to print out one coupon so far and it looks like this thing has pretty good security with the one-per-person limitation. I’m sure there’s a way to get around this by deleting cookies and clearing out private data and killing cache and yadda yadda someone get Sneen on the phone.
PPS…Be sure to hurry — the coupon is only available for printing until May 6th at 11pm EST.
I’m pretty sure this should be considered an omen to us all that monkeys are without question going to take over the universe in the very near future. It has just always really freaked me out how much certain monkeys/apes/chimpanzees/primates/whatever are like humans (not an original thought, I know), but this is really impressive. The scary part is this was done in 1996; who can guess what these monkeys are up to thirteen years later? I bet they’re mammoth beasts standing at no less than eleven feet tall and shoulder pressing no less than eighteen hundred pounds, eating buckets of nails and washing them down with glasses of sawdust. And here I thought only squirrels could waterski.
Thanks to C-H-O-N-E and Russell Simmons for the vid. Love you guys.
I don’t if it’s cool this month to say that you like the Geico commercials or that you don’t like them, but I do. I didn’t at first, but now I do. They grew on me, and so did the song. Here’s the video of the making of the song, which admittedly isn’t all that interesting. To make up for it kinda, right click to download the song for free (legally). I’ll be listening to this on repeat today, probably log in 15 to 20 listens, and get sick of it before it’s time to go home. Standard operating procedure for wearing out a guilty pleasure.
This is pretty good. Well it’s way better than pretty good, I have to say. It’s a little cheesy, but ehhhhh who cares, so are you. I’d love to see JetBlue pull this off. Of course, I’d rather see JetBlue pull off 36 channels of DirecTV in every seat on every flight, not to mention the lowest prices most of the time. But rapping is good too.
Crushed.
PS…I would normally say I love the crushery of United Airlines at the end, it being totally unprovoked and all, but the only reason United was the target was because this guy knew he couldn’t mess with JetBlue. I see right through you.
Naaah, no, I have no words for this. I’m not creative enough to write anything here that this video doesn’t already say for itself. I guess maybe — is Shadow Hare being abused as a child and growing up in foster homes the least surprising detail of any story, ever? Wall Creeper looks pretty sick too.
Last week I had jury duty for the first time in my life, and let me say for the record that Jury Duty Is Amazing. If you haven’t been, go. Volunteer. Everyone who says it sucks or that it’s a drag, man, or how much of an inconvenience it is doesn’t quite have a full understanding of what is and isn’t awesome in this life. Jury duty is a de facto day off from work, that’s all it is. Anyone who says otherwise is an asshole or a workaholic or both. I think I was literally the only person who was absolutely delighted to be there the entire time, which baffles me. Here’s the deal:
- You sit in a large room for at least three hours with nothing to do. You can bring books or mags to read or fucking, sodoku puzzles or porno or whatever you want. They even have WiFi (at least in New York) — tons of people were there with their laptops just crushing the Internet while fulfilling their civil obligations.
- They call you up to some courtroom with a bunch of other people, sit you in the jury box, and ask compelling questions like “what’s your favorite color?” and “are you racist?” I know some colorblind folks in Boston who would at this point be kicked out, but for the rest of us you can basically shut your brain off for 8 hours and revel in the warmth comfort of not being at work.
- They give you at least an hour and a half lunch, plus at least two breaks during the day of varied length. I think both of the breaks we had were about 40 minutes each. Eeeeeach.
- No dress code. Done and done. That’s really all I need to hear for something to qualify as a vacation. Jeans and sneaks? Might as well be scuba diving off the Kona coastline.
- Pencils down at 5pm. God bless the government — those bitches don’t work a minute past 5. Between sitting around in the morning, lunch, breaks, and leaving at 5, you’re only actually expected to pay attention for like, 50 minutes total for the entire day.
To be fair, if you’re not prepared, i.e. don’t bring anything to read or do, then it can be a little long and boring. This was me on the first day, but you have no excuses because I’ve frontloaded you from onhigh. Also, be prepared to hear things like “I know, I can’t get picked — if I’m not there to do my job, it doesn’t get done” and “I’m in investment banking, I’m expected to be at work until 2 a.m. once I get out of here.” Dweshery is just a cruel fact of life, like having more hair on your body than on the top of your head.
SO, in conclusion, jury duty is the best and I’m pissed I didn’t get picked. My vacation lasted only two days, but I’m considering calling up and volunteering. I’m also considering starting a company selling professional juror service, but there might be a few roadblocks with that one. I’ll keep you abreast.
A new Mike Tyson documentary comes out today in limited release? Did people know about this or is this news to people other than me? Either I’m losing my edge or tax season did a number on me worse than I thought or both, because in my prime I would never let something like this slip through the cracks.
Either way, the film comes out today, at least in New York, and apparently it’s pretty good. Rotten Tomatoes gives it a solid 87%, and I guess most of the documentary is Tyson sitting alone going one on one with the camera. I can’t imagine the nonsense that must come out of his mouth in such an environment. I’m almost definitely going to see this in theaters because it seems like something I might not want to pay attention to as a rental, and documentaries are always, always better seen in the theater. Not to mention — has Iron Mike ever been anything short of disturbingly entertaining? He’s the poster child for the “what’s he gonna say next?!?!?” draw, and I can’t think of a time (other than in the ring, for the past 15 years) when he’s disappointed.
PS…isn’t Tyson the poster child for another phenomenon too — the draw of celebrities? Let’s say you, Mr. Average, suck at your job and go crazy — what happens to you? You’re unemployed, crazy, and no one wants to hear from you or be around you. If you’re a pro athlete, there’s always broadcasting, and if you can’t speak or form a sentence, you can always just go fucking nuts and people will hang on your every word, and you’ll get jobs even though you a) now suck at your profession, b) break the law on the regular, and c) bite people while on the job. And then they’ll make like 12 documentaries about you. If Tyson was an unemployed mechanic, he’d be a youtube video for 15 minutes and that’d be the end of it. His act really is tired, but we can’t get enough of it. Sure, part of his draw is that he was once the best fighter in the world, maybe could’ve been the best of all time, was the youngest WBC title winner in history, and had that addictive, maniacal intensity we are all suckers for. But…Al Bundy scored four touchdowns in a single game at Polk High, and if he got a tattoo on his face and bit his boss’s ear off, the shoe store would throw his ass out and never look back.
I would say watch out Lebron, because there’s no question this kid is completely insane, and I’m sure we’ll be seeing (Jim) much more of him in the future, but in my professional opinion he isn’t even the most impressive thing about this video. The most impressive thing is how every single player on his team can dunk, and dunk so easily. Every time this kid passed to somebody they finished with a dunk. Has there ever been a high school team with so many kids who could dunk? Back in the Tri-Valley glory days, maybe one kid on our team each year could dunk, and even then it was always one of those technically-a-dunk, one-handed, zero-power, uncontested dunks that semi-atheltic white kids do who are two inches too short to do anything else. Basically what I did right there was crush the shit out of Sneen because he was one of the kids who could dunk. It’s OK though, I was heralded as a good defensive player, which is code for “can’t score more than 6 points a game.”
PS…OK maybe the fact that this kid dunks so flawlessly with his left hand is the most impressive thing about this video. And I literally started laughing at the block at the 3:16 mark.
I was sitting around this past weekend looking for something on TV when I came across one of my personal favorites, Tombstone, playing on A&E. Obviously I cracked a beer and had my secretary hold my calls for the next two hours. What follows is probably the most underrated scene in the movie (it usually never gets mentioned among the more famous scenes like the gunfight at the OK Corral and the final gunfight between Doc Holliday and Johnny Ringo). It’s our first taste of Wyatt Earp’s pure domination, as he (and later Doc Holliday) completely dismantles the manhood of Johnny Tyler (played by Billy Bob Thornton), a two-bit thug driving all the customers away from the Oriental bar and gambling parlor.
An unarmed Wyatt immediately confronts Tyler, daring him to use his pistol, and finally bitch slapping him four times before delivering one of the sweetest lines in the movie: “You gonna do something, or just stand there and bleed?” After Wyatt disarms Tyler and sends him packing, he returns with a shotgun, before Holliday intercedes: “Johnny Tyler! Where you going with that shotgun?” Holliday and the Earp brothers then proceed to have a full conversation, disrespecting Tyler further by ignoring the guy with the big shotgun, before Doc finally dismisses him with pure derision. And just to take that last shred of dignity, Wyatt makes him leave his shotgun (and testicles) on the ground. I’m told that the original script called for Holliday to add “you just got crushed”, but it didn’t make the final cut. Anyway, enjoy.
Show your love for censorship, corruption, and disrespect for human life!
I know I’m a little tardy to the party on this one, but I’ve been sitting on this for a few weeks and haven’t really had a chance to write about it. Apparently Adidas is selling hats featuring the “hammer and sickle” emblem of the former USSR. I’d provide you a link to the hat, but I can’t because these hats are sold out and on backorder, so instead I’ll just show you a picture of the hat. Before the hat sold out, it was featured on the Adidas website with ad copy reading “Show your love for the former USSR during training time in this adidas Marx A-Flex Russia cap.”
Yes, do exactly that. Show your love for the regime that murdered and terrorized millions of people for over half a century. Celebrate a country that had to build a wall at its border not to keep intruders out, but to keep its own citizens in. While you’re at it, pick up a swastika hat, because it’s really not a big leap from here to there.
The funny thing is that the hipster douchebags who wear this fashion abortion probably don’t even know what it represents. Naw man, I just hate the government, man. I just want The Man off my back. Plus, it goes great with my Che shirt. I say we round up all these assholes, put them in Doc Brown’s Delorean, send them back to the real USSR, and see how they like waiting in bread lines.
WOW! Sarah Silverman CRUSHING divas everywhere. I love this. Love it love it love it. Before this clip, I pretty much couldn’t stand Sarah Silverman. I thought it was good when she trashed Paris Hilton at the MTV Video Music Music Video Movie Teen Choice Awards a couple years ago, but overall I’m just not a fan of shock humor, and more importantly girl fart and shit jokes. As a side note, why do girls think it’s OK to joke or even talk about farting and shitting? Can’t we just keep one double standard alive, for the betterment of society? Is that OK with everyone? As far as I’m concerned let’s just all go through life pretending that girls don’t even know what farting and shitting are.
Anyway, this clip definitely turned me around — for a moment or two — on SS. Just calling out the overused and euphemistic “diva,” a term that has made it acceptable for someone to act like a…what she said. Truly one of those moments when someone explains something you’ve been thinking for a long time, but didn’t have the wherewithal to put it into words.
As another side note — is Sarah Silverman hot? Obviously in my mind any hotness she may possess has been completely negated by her fart/shit jokes over the years, but I know some people think she’s hot.
This sucks. The chorus is good but stay the fuck retired instead of doing this, please. Oh I get it, you made fun of some pop culture. Shocking.
Is anyone more in need of a back-to-basics strip down of himself than Eminem? Can we please get back to the old school Em already? As cliche as it is, Eminem’s older stuff is his best — he’s gotten progessively worse with every album, except when he went from The Slim Shady LP to The Marshall Mathers LP. Infinite, the album no one knows about, is easily his best. Here are two crushery jams, the title track “Infinite” and “Tonite”, some of the only Eminem material with any shelf life. How good would it be if he got back to rapping like this, instead of this Pee-Wee Herman shit he does in every song now?
For our fourth installment of Movie Monday, we’ve decided to go with the most famous scene from what is arguably the best baseball movie ever made, Field of Dreams. Kevin Costner’s Ray Kinsella has spent every last penny mowing down half of his corn field on his Iowa farm to build a baseball diamond because he probably has schizophrenia and hears imaginary voices. He has road-tripped to Boston to kidnap a fictional author from the Civil Rights movement and take him to a game at the most beautiful baseball stadium in existence, Fenway Park. He has witnessed the miracle of more than a dozen long deceased baseball players emerging from the corn to scrimmage on his homemade field. And now he’s dealing with his douchebag brother-in-law who’s been angling for Ray’s farm the entire movie. Sell the farm; that’s your only option other than foreclosure, he says.
Good thing Darth Vader, er, James Earl Jones is there to give one of the most goosebump inducing movie speeches in history. People will come, Ray. People will come.
Enjoy this clip in honor of one of my favorite days of the year - the first day of baseball season (last night doesn’t count because I think we can all agree to ignore the National League).
Print This Post | 
Email This Post
